The Quiet Warrior Podcast with Serena Low

82. How to Navigate Conflict and Difficult Conversations with Resilience – with Elizabeth Williamson

• Serena Low, Introvert Coach for Quiet Achievers and Quiet Warriors

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In this insightful episode of The Quiet Warrior Podcast, Serena speaks with Elizabeth Williamson, a relationship coach, trauma-informed facilitator, and leadership mentor who has spent over two decades helping individuals, couples, and leaders navigate conflict, repair trust, and communicate with courage.

Elizabeth brings a wealth of experience from psychology, somatic therapy, and systemic constellations to teach us how to hold respectful, clear, and boundary-honouring conversations—especially when the stakes feel high. 

In this episode, we explore:

  • What makes conflict feel threatening—and how to work through the nervous system’s response

  • Why silence and people-pleasing often stem from trauma, not weakness

  • How to prepare for a difficult conversation with presence, clarity, and respect

  • The role of resilience and emotional regulation in sustainable leadership

  • What it means to hold both compassion and boundaries in relationships

  • Why conflict, when handled well, can actually strengthen connection

  • Practical tools for self-awareness, repair, and relational safety


Whether you're a quiet achiever navigating leadership, or someone working to improve your personal relationships, this episode will help you move through conflict with more confidence and care.

Connect with Elizabeth:
Website: https://elizabethwilliamsonsolutions.com
LinkedIn: Elizabeth Williamson on LinkedIn

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This episode was edited by Aura House Productions

Speaker 1:

Hi, I'm Serena Loh. If you're used to hearing that introverts are shy, anxious, antisocial and lack good communication and leadership skills, then this podcast is for you. You're about to fall in love with the calm, introspective and profound person that you are. Discover what's fun, unique and powerful about being an introvert, and how to make the elegant transition from quiet achiever to quiet warrior in your life and work anytime you want, in more ways than you imagined possible. Welcome.

Speaker 2:

Welcome to the Quiet Warrior podcast. Our guest today has over 40 years expertise in relationship skills and conflict resolution, with individual, family and leadership responsibilities. That focuses on the skills and resources you need to remain calm, have clarity and positively resolve business and personal relationship stress, disputes and conflicts. She has a passion for working with female founders and women in leadership to help them hone their personal insights and practical approaches to confidently navigate difficult conversations and build resilient, respectful relationships. Welcome Elizabeth Williamson to the Quiet Warrior podcast.

Speaker 3:

Thank you, serena. I'm delighted to be here, it's a real pleasure.

Speaker 2:

Elizabeth, tell us about your background and your professional journey, and what drew you into the work you now do.

Speaker 3:

Okay, so my background is in social work and I am old enough to have, you know, graduated last century, late last century, and I started working community development, working with a group of women to set up a community centre in a new housing development. And what I discovered was and I think it was a great idea there'd a new housing development and what I discovered was you know, I think it was a great idea there'd be lots of enthusiasm. And what I discovered was that committees are full of arguments. And then, of course, there were arguments between the committee of women developing the community centre and the government department that was building a childcare centre next door, the kindergarten, and there was conflict with the council I was working with when I'd put up an idea and different things would happen. And I was, you know, built personality disputes on that committee and as the project progressed and became more successful, the women involved in the committee and involved in the volunteer groups would have battles at home with their husbands, because the next round of arguments were about not being home enough to cook dinner and be a good, you know, mother or wife. And this is the 1980s. So I found myself in a middle of conflict with no idea what to do really no idea and fumbling along and half the time thinking, oh my God, I've got it wrong. I found myself, I guess, in my teens. If I look back to my personal life, I was always in the middle of arguments because I was quite good at being opinionated and stubborn and not listening. So not a good set of skills, despite all my great social work values, to lead them to community work. And as I pursued my career, I just was either in the forefront of conflict, because I worked with Vietnam veterans for a while, setting up a men's shed project, and I was representing the Department of Veteran Affairs as a consultant. So that put me in the midst of a very long-standing conflict between Vietnam veterans and the government, with a lot of people who were very traumatised by war and conflict, and the government with a lot of people who were very traumatised by war and conflict.

Speaker 3:

And then I later worked leading a domestic violence service. So there I was, at the forefront of family violence and what that means for children as well, and I also discovered there's a right timing for things. So we were trying to be innovative in our organisation and we were trying to set up a charitable fund, we thought we would raise the issue of domestic violence as a human rights issue, and the feminist structure of women's shelters at that time were not happy with feminism not being at the forefront. So I found I was in the middle of a dispute with other domestic violence services and whenever I tried to innovate something, ego got involved, status got involved, and I'm finding myself in conflict with my colleagues and I also did not, and I think I was burned out and I did not manage probably my staff relationships well either. And so there was, I had conflict there as well. Um, that that led to um, really burning out and breaking down and, uh, quite a journey back to finding what is that, what is it that I do well, and and discovering that that's something that I've done along the way, which is working as a therapist and my sort of in-between the Vietnam veterans in the community centre.

Speaker 3:

When my children were very, very young, I was sort of hand-hunted to do some counselling work at the time when adult survivors of sexual abuse were just. That was just becoming a priority and you know people were looking for a skilled approach to that. So I worked a lot in that area in community health, and went on to do some other things, but what I discovered is that I am actually, at heart, best a therapist where I can help people understand internal conflict first. You know the arguments we have with ourselves, because that's what I was always battling. Like all these external arguments, I realised, hold on hold on. There's an internal argument that someone's having and I can't resolve, and they're either struggling with it or they're throwing it around the room and wanting someone else to solve the problem. You know that. Um. So insight and awareness of awareness and self-compassion are incredibly important conflict resolution skills, and I longed to learn how to work in relationship conflict. So I studied with, I had the very privilege to study for about three years with John and Julie Gottman, who founded the Gottman Institute, and their 40 years of research into couples therapy, couples, conflicts. What leads to success in a relationship, what leads to relationship failure in families, is outstanding and, um, multidisciplinary, and that provided, uh me with a whole skill set that that now their work is now being applied to workplaces. So along the way, once I found I found counselling was a good place for me to be. I worked with in commercial psychology, we worked in workplaces, employee assistance programs, and so I was talking to people about their workplace conflicts and then I was coaching managers and leaders about handling workplace conflicts, and I was fortunate to train as a mediator during that time so that I could facilitate conversations about complex conflicts and help leaders assess conflict dynamics and what would be good approaches, and that was great work.

Speaker 3:

My life sort of took a huge turn in 2012 when I was diagnosed with luckily a benign tumour in my spinal cord quite high in my neck C3, so it's only a couple of vertebrae that function, and then everything else is really compromised in my body and that led me to have to learn to walk again. I had surgery to remove the tumour. I actually learned to walk and I entered into a life of another sort of conflict, which is made with gravity now, but also with understanding that we don't need a disability-friendly workplace. Workplaces are not disability-friendly most of them. They're not really inclusive in many, many ways, and certainly this is about 13 years ago.

Speaker 3:

I encountered barrier after barrier to continue to be able to work in a way that was flexible for myself and worked for the companies. It was hard to find a job. I tripped my last job I tripped by doing a video interview, they offered me the job and then, once I had accepted, I said by the way, I have a disability and I will need some assistance with a chair. There's a government fund where you can apply for that. It'll cost you nothing. Could you apply? And they did nothing.

Speaker 3:

So I think I spent the first five weeks of that job in a remote office carrying a $2 Bunnings gardening chair to sit in, because it was the only chair I could sit in, carrying it in and out, and I don't walk very well. So interesting points of conflict. You know, sometimes we see institutionalised or cultural or just the myopic conflict of organisations bent on doing what they always do and not being flexible. So that's been a journey, a journey to get to where I am now. Over the last 17 years I've gone from side hustle. I now have my own business where I consult with couples and work with family businesses and do leadership training as well.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, Thank you for sharing that.

Speaker 3:

That's quite a long story. That's all of it.

Speaker 2:

Yes, yes, and so many elements that I was noticing, because my question to you would have been what are the root causes of conflict? And I think you alluded to some of them. You mentioned personality differences, you mentioned ego, you mentioned timing and context and just the nature of change. People don't like change, do they? So that by itself causes conflict. And you said, when environments are inflexible, if they haven't envisaged this kind of situation or there's no sop for it, no one's ever done this before. This is how we've always done things. It's almost like there's this reluctance to go out and be that first person or that first organisation that creates a new way of handling this novel situation, as in your case, with a chair.

Speaker 3:

Most conflicts are about. What you feel like you're arguing about is the surface issue and why conflict is so hard to resolve. It's very hard for us to get to what the real longing is, the real purpose is. So we fight at the tip of the iceberg, if you like, over the top 10%, obvious things, without having the knowledge or skills to get to the real issues the breaches of trust, the boundary issues, the values or the ethical issues that people are struggling with. And I think you know the Gottman's research is quite profound and they have a couple of very useful, very simple models. But what their research found was that most interpersonal relationships, most intimate relationships, solve about one third of their problems together, by conversation, compromise, you know, collaboration, and two-thirds of their conflicts continue throughout the relationship. So successful relationships work out how to deal with problems in positive ways, with a positive perspective, knowing that you know I can have this difficult conversation, or I can manage my own emotions about this, or I can have empathy for you, and that will lead us to an outcome where we both are satisfied. There's some give and take in there.

Speaker 3:

Many people approach conflict as if it shouldn't be there and they're very negatively focused. So they can predict, you know all the things that are going to go wrong in the argument or in the situation, and then they actually go and do things which demonstrably don't work, don't lead them in the direction that they want to go in in the situation, and they repeat it, even though it didn't work last time. They do it again and again, not knowing what else to do, obviously, but but also then trying to blame someone else or blame themselves for the situation which which doesn't work. So if we accept that conflict is inevitable, that's a good starting point. And the next starting point is the conflict. Drama is at the center of what it is to be human, because it's the centre of every story that we tell. You know, you think about the books you love to read, the TV shows where you immerse yourself and binge there we conflict. Romantic comedy is all about boy meets girl, boy loses girl. There's the conflict. Boy finds girl again, or another girl, or something happens.

Speaker 2:

Even when you watch comedy, comedians are using conflict to drive us to laugh so what you're saying is conflict cannot be avoided and we shouldn't be trying to avoid it, because it's central to what makes us human yeah, yeah, it's true, um, it's not a comfortable experience and um, we don't teach in our culture, uh, here in australia, um, very effective ways of managing conflict.

Speaker 3:

um, we don't teach enough curiosity about what's you know, we, we, we look for very binary ways of thinking right, wrong, good, bad, you, me, they, us, you know, fall blame and we get stuck in ways of thinking firstly about ourselves and the conversations we have with ourselves about a conflict situation and then not really learning those skills. I think it's where quiet leadership has a particular beautiful edge of really understanding somebody else's perspective, because you know the real skill in managing conflict well is to be curious about other people's points of view.

Speaker 2:

Yes, I think there is a lot of value in that empathy, the ability to sit with somebody else's point of view without making it about us, without making it as as though, because they have a different point of view, they are not like me and therefore we are not the same, which is that binary kind of perspective you were alluding to earlier. So how do we expand our ability to, to welcome or to be open to more different perspectives?

Speaker 3:

well, I think. You know, I think for people who, um, who are quiet warriors, quite leaders, who want to observational, reflective, slower style, there's so many assets. You know, that ability to observe and watch. If you have a framework for your conflict through that you can be, it's such a powerful place to sit in a dispute where you, let's say, you're in a business environment where there's more than one person. So when you sit back and watch the dynamic and you're listening carefully and you're curious, you manage your own anxiety well enough to be curious about the different points in the room. You can be the person that can.

Speaker 3:

You know critical moments? Just just introduce, um, a summary of what's being said and and and identify a point where people have agreed and a kernel of where they've disagreed, and then ask that, ask a question that might just lead to more conversation at a different level. So that first part is to manage your own anxiety around conflict so that we can be calm and centred. So in my approach, I think there are six key skills, and certainly being centred is one of them, and the other one is to know the clues to understand the dynamics of conflict so that when you're, when you're trying to reflect on for yourself or you're trying to understand somebody else. You have a framework to piece together pieces of evidence and information rather than be stuck with your emotional response and, you know, stuck with the fact that human beings are irrational beings as well as rational beings.

Speaker 2:

That is a very interesting paradox. You're right, we are both rational and irrational. I think Dan really calls it predictably irrational. That's what we humans are.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, yes, so what you said is manage our own anxiety first.

Speaker 2:

Manage our emotions first, and then also to know the clues. What are these clues about?

Speaker 3:

So let's come back to that, the idea that conflict's inherent in us as human beings and how we see the world, and it's in how we tell stories. And when you think about an argument that you might have had with someone or a disagreement, you'll have a story about that. You'll have a in your head, you'll be playing it. Well, I said this and then they did that, and this is what should have happened, or what I wanted to have happened, or why didn't they see it my way, or you know, we'll be telling ourselves a story and every story has three parts to it. It has because it's based on our stress response. It has a sense of there's a threat, so something might punish us. There's um, a fear, so we feel a bit of a victim and we want to escape and and hide, and so we want someone to come and rescue the situation, so that that fight, flight, freeze, which is our innate response to stress, is our first response, the energy that comes with those that in that innate response is emotional. So it's anger or fight, you know, and that's just positive energy. That's energy towards, towards a. So it's anger or fight, you know, and that's just positive energy, that's energy towards a problem. It's neither good nor bad, it's just doing something towards the problem. And we learn about how to manage our stress responses and how conflict works in our families. So in our families we can learn, you know, that anger is a dangerous thing to show, or forbidden, or disallowed or ignored, you know, and so it can be quite and particularly for women, very difficult to bring forth your anger in a way that you feel is going to be respected, and that you feel comfortable with Fear. We're more familiar with fear for women, and fear is that sense of I'm a victim here, so I just want to get away. You know, I want to avoid the conflict. I feel very small in this situation. It feels overwhelming. Um, I just, I just want to get out the room, like I want to get away as fast as I can and and that'll solve everything, which of course it doesn't. But but when we're so, then when we feel overwhelmed with a conflict situation and we want to run away, we feel small and the problem feels bigger than us. Then we look for rescuing. That is the freeze part of the stress response from fight, flight and freeze, and that's a bit like I want to hide. And if I hide, the problem, sort of go away. And that works in a couple of ways. One, it means well, I want someone else to fix this, I'm going to do nothing and it's somebody else's responsibility. Or there's this. The contradictory position is my God, it's all my responsibility, I have to do everything to fix this. And that just leads you to fall back into either one of the other two positions of either oh my God, I feel like I'm being punished, it's all my fault, everyone's angry at me. Or I'm angry at me so I'm back into the anger space. Or, oh my God, I'm frightened, I just want to run away me. So I'm back into the anger space. Or, oh my god, I'm frightened, you know, I just want to run away again. I'm back in the victim space.

Speaker 3:

So when we get caught in the drama of conflict, it's a closed system. There's no real way out. But everybody in a conflict situation is has an element of that they're playing with. So you might feel like you're the victim here. You can't speak, it's awful, it's totally unfair, you're not being valued. But I can guarantee someone else in the room will think that that's their, that's what's happening for them, and somebody else should fix this up for them, and maybe that's you or they're saying well, if only you spoke up, things would be better so that you know you get to be the person who's punishing the situation or the person who's rescuing the situation.

Speaker 3:

That dynamic is very confusing, so that's why conflict is so complex, because everyone has a different story and the first clue is to understand that everyone is telling that victim punishment, rescue story differently, from their perspective. And if you can watch that, you can understand much more about how people see you, but what they're really struggling with, and you can choose to step out of that dynamic and do something different.

Speaker 2:

So what I'm saying, what I'm hearing from you, is there needs to be that level of self-awareness for me to step out, because when I'm caught up in a conflict, usually I can't see it. I'm caught up in the heat of the moment, with all the emotions. I'm feeling defensive, I'm feeling fearful, I'm feeling small and overwhelmed, which you mentioned and maybe a part of me is angry as well and wants to fight back. What about introverts, who generally tend to be people pleasers and are very conflict avoidant? How would they be responding in a situation like this?

Speaker 3:

So that people pleasing fits beautifully into that rescue mode, that model, that mode I should say. You know so if I'm a people pleaser, then I might feel like it's my responsibility to make everybody happy. It's my responsibility to take on the extra load. It's my responsibility to fix this. I don't want to see anyone. My challenge is other people's discomfort, and so I try and solve my own discomfort that someone else is unhappy by trying to fix things, by trying to say the right thing, make them happy, not speak up compromise, give up what's important to me in order to reduce the stress in the situation, calm myself down and make everybody happy, right? Of course I'm going to get resentful about that, so I'm going to feel that anger and then I'm going to feel trapped by that.

Speaker 3:

I'm going to feel like I'm a victim. So we can't escape that dynamic. The other one is where I don't think I should have to do anything. I want to hide. Someone else should fix this. It's not my responsibility, um and uh, but most people pleasing is is doing too much and I, I in my model, um.

Speaker 3:

The first step is to know those clues. First of all, a conflict is part of everyone's story. It, it's actually what makes life interesting. It's in our books, it's in our movies, it's in our songs, you know, it's in comedy. So we could bring more humour and more curiosity and it'll make it a safer place to be. Secondly, if we can manage our emotions and stay calm and centered, then we can read those clues better and we are a more valuable contributor to resolving things. Because if we, if you can calm yourself down, um, our wonderful mirror neurons in our beautiful brains work, so people will mirror you calming down. So if you remain the calm person, even though you don't like conflict, even though you prefer this not to be happening, but you regulate your breath, you slow your heart rate down by regulating your breath and you just keep your feet planted and say I'm going to be present, nothing moves me, then you get the third skill that I teach, which is to do less and be more. The less energy. This is so valuable for someone who's introverted, because in a conflict there's all this stuff flying around, all this energy, all these words. Well, if you're the person who does less and is more present, that's an incredibly strong contribution, because conciseness is really important. And so that's the third thing I teach is conciseness Perfect?

Speaker 3:

If you're an introvert, in a conflict, people will hear very little of what is said. The inner conflict people will hear very little of what is said. There'll be a lot of things done and said, but very little will be taken by somebody. If your heart rate is elevated Once your heart rate's in the 80s, 90s, your vision literally becomes narrower, your ability to process auditory information is impacted and your rational skills are decreased. And so you know, a smile might look like a sneer and sorry will sound sarcastic. And if you hit 100, then you'll just feel like you're being manipulated and you'll have no trust in the situation whatsoever and be emotionally flooded and the conflict will escalate. So you manage your emotions well and stay calm, keep your heart rate low, you guide other people in the same way, but also you get to be concise. Small things are useful and that ability to listen that is so critical at this point.

Speaker 3:

If you can listen and let someone know that you understand their perspective, then don't need to put yours in a box for a little while, because you'll gain influence by someone, the other person believing that you understand their perspective and that you can demonstrate that you make it tangible. And that's the skill of listening and repeating back what you hear, so that what that does is creates another loop for the person who's speaking to hear their own words, reprocess them so that deepens what's going on. But it creates more trust. Oh well, yes, I did say that. Or oh now, well, actually, I think this, you know, I can go to a slightly different position. Or, oh, you're so right, you put that even better than I could.

Speaker 3:

And if you can validate, it makes validate that person's perspective before you put your own, then you gain a lot of influence, and so, particularly for people who are people pleasers, that's a great skill to learn, because you don't have to put your own self first, you just are saying let me understand you. And that's a rare experience. Often do we have someone in our life who, in a conflict or in any conversations that you know, responds by oh. So you think this, serena, this is really important to you. It's a, you know, quiet, worry issue is something that fills your whole life and you know, tell me more about the podcast interviews you whole life. And you know, tell me more about the podcast interviews you've been having. You know.

Speaker 1:

Tell me more about you.

Speaker 3:

That happens rare. Mainly, we say, oh, it's great, you're doing a podcast. Let me tell you about the last podcast I heard, or the podcast I'm planning, or the last interview I had, you know, which doesn't build trust. So there's so much strength in that introverted skill of listening first, and then the skill is to speak up and summarise what you hear, because it will slow everything down. You've got to slow everything down and then so I can see your point. I can see your point of view. You think that you know, because this issue has been brought up five times in the last month and we haven't been able to progress it, and you feel like the barrier is this, that and the other, and the resolution you would like is this From your perspective, I can understand why you see it like that. You haven't put an opinion in, you just said I can see why you see it like that. You haven't put an opinion in, you just said I can see your perspective. It gives you the chance to then negotiate more clearly, to communicate what you want to say. Because you've got listening now and slowing things down. You can say, from your perspective, understanding that from my perspective it's like this and you can describe your perspective.

Speaker 3:

That's hard, I think, when you're introverted, to say these things, but that's the plate where we deal with our fear, that's where we find our courage. And I think introverted people who, you know, don't like conflict which is good we should not like. I mean it's inevitable, but we don't like it. If you do like conflict, you have a problem. We should not like I mean, it's inevitable, but we don't like it. If you do like conflict, you have a problem, and introverted people who don't like conflict. That ability to just calm, it's okay. I actually can do something positive here and I don't take on anybody else's distress, so boundaries are really important. I'm not taking on anybody else's distress.

Speaker 2:

I can observe things and I have to keep calming myself down, so don't take it all what I heard you say is that the introvert's gift is in being able to regulate themselves, first by calming themselves and then calming others, by projecting that same kind of calm, quiet energy outwards, and also being able to take that step back and use their natural quiet strengths of listening, of empathy, of sensitivity, of compassion and helping somebody feel heard, because nothing is as quick to deflate someone as realizing hang on, they're not arguing with me, they're actually listening to me. They just said what is it that I said a moment ago, which means they are listening and paying attention. So now I feel seen and I feel heard.

Speaker 3:

so that and deeply respected. There's nothing more respected. So you know, then, and then you come to act out of value, your values, which is very hard in conflict. Because you know that, because you know when, when we tell the story, when we're in a conflict, and you tell the story to yourself, you're right, right, yes, we're always right, we're the victim. So in most conflicts people compete to be the victim, yes. And so once you understand that as a clue, then you watch. Ah, now some people, once they see that dynamic happening, they do like to punish it. They believe that forcefulness, authoritarianism, that they are right and nobody else should occupy that space. You get a lot of 10% of the population really do like conflict, even if they say they don't, and they will introduce conflict in situations. So we do need to work out how to do it with high-conflict people. But the natural tendency for introverts of that empathy, that sensitivity, that slowing things down, that request to slow things down, like being assertive about slowing things down is invaluable.

Speaker 2:

I like that you call it assertiveness asserting that you are going to slow things down, letting people know that this is what you're doing and having those strong boundaries, Because I know a lot of introverts who would avoid even having that interaction. They would back away, they would feel I'm not in the right place. I can't deal with this. I don't have the capacity to take on all this angst and all this anger and all this energy, this kind of aggression.

Speaker 3:

Look, yes, and I also think it's quite okay to let people know your tolerance level. I think it's totally appropriate to say in a situation the level of tension here is not helpful and I really think we need to reduce this in order for me to participate. Can we please be the person who speaks for the boundaries? Can we talk respectfully? Can we do this in a way that everyone can be heard? Yes, and also, do not strive for solutions. Strive for understanding first.

Speaker 3:

So the first part of a conflict conversation is often just working at what does everybody think and realising.

Speaker 3:

Well, we actually agree here on this one thing and we disagree over here, and we've been having a tit-for-tat argument about how we argue, how we talk about things. We've missed the deeper issue here that we're both on the same team about getting this particular outcome or, in our relationship, we're both on the same team about how we want to raise and deal with screen time with kids. You know, probably a common problem for lots of parents, or we're not. We see it so differently. You know, our ideas about screen time and kids in discipline are very different. Based on what right, what have we learnt from kids, and our view of what happens in meetings is often quite different, based on how we see power working in an organisation, our preference for hierarchy working in an organisation, our preference for hierarchy. But you know, quiet leaders bring room for emotional intelligence and I think in a conflict you only have to choose to lead one thing. Take a small aspect that you want to strive for. Don't try and do it all, because that's overwhelming.

Speaker 3:

Pick one thing, one area you would like to champion, or to lead in or to assert, so that your energy is directed into one thing that you find important, rather than taking it all on.

Speaker 2:

So that's to do with managing your capacity, being aware of what limitations you might have in that sense, so not overburdening yourself, not taking on too much and that is again to do with boundaries, isn't it and also self-respect, as in I respect that I have this limitation, I'm aware of it and I'm not going to overload myself. I'm going to be very intentional and careful. I'm just going to pick one thing to champion and I'm not taking all the responsibility on.

Speaker 3:

That's right, and also understand that that's a valuable skill to have. By choosing to just to work on one thing, I'm going to lead in this one era. I'm going to work with this one aspect, um, um, I'm going to let the people up here fight. I don't have to get involved in that. That. That may have nothing to do with me.

Speaker 3:

This is the area I want to progress and in progressing this particular issue, um, in looking after my own again, this conciseness of energy, I only have so much energy and I need to plan for the energy it takes after a difficult conversation. Everybody needs to plan for that, by the way, whether you're an introvert or extrovert, because you know we go and process, we walk out and think and feel, and you know stress levels rise two to three days after difficult and challenging situations. So we need to have self-care plans and we need to check in so that we can make sure we're not getting caught in our story again of being victim. But try and explore. Well, how can I be useful here? And so you know, from a fear we find courage, so that victim, everyone's doing it, greater or lesser degrees.

Speaker 3:

But if I choose not to do that, then I'm going to have to explore what it means to have some courage. Courage means I can sit with my fear and calm myself at the same time and then choose to act about what's important to me or important for the team, and understanding that a small contribution may progress things far more profoundly than trying to do something big. So small things done often in relationships are more powerful than big gestures, and so introverted people have that skill again, that sensitivity to understand the small and so being consistent. You know I sometimes say strive for 10% change. Be surprised how consistently you can make things happen with just this piece of 10% here. This piece of 10% here. That'll add up if you're consistent and then you become reliable. You rely on you for leading in that area in a workplace or in a relationship.

Speaker 2:

I like that. You call it those small steps, the 10% change. I call that micro steps, with my clients as well, the idea of something small having a great effect over time because it compounds, because you say it's consistency. If I'm showing up consistently in a certain way, over time people build an impression of me and that creates trust, that creates rapport, that becomes something I can bank for the future, think I can bank for the future. So even in a situation of conflict, because I've built up that bank of trust, people are less likely to get so quickly triggered into escalating a conflict, because there's that to go against. But if we only put out large gestures and superficial gestures and say things we don't mean, then that trust hasn't been built at all and the first moment of the conflict I think it all comes crashing down because people realize the words don't match the actions and the integrity is not there and I can't trust this person that's right, that's right.

Speaker 3:

And, um, you know, I think that, um, sometimes, when you can see a dynamic, I mean I think it's always important that you have someone. You're debriefing a complex conflict with, someone who's an ally, so you know you need to check in so that you can take a perspective, take your internal processing and share it with someone who's not involved in the situation, just to reflect. So what am I missing here? What am I caught up in? What story am I getting hooked by? I'm getting hooked by Charlie's story because I'm really, you know, buying into him, being the victim here, and it's really not fair and go home worrying about Charlie and, oh, I didn't realise I was doing that, that's right. Honestly, stop doing that. Or, oh, I'm really getting caught up in the oh, nothing I do will be of any value. No one's going to listen to me.

Speaker 3:

And challenging that story that says no, I can speak assertively and there is a formula to assertiveness that again is concise, so again works well for people who want to maintain their energy levels.

Speaker 3:

And once you understand that formula, you can say things that have impact, that really move things along, with not having to say much. And particularly if you just put your own position, you speak for yourself. Or, if you're taking that observational position, you describe what you see or hear, rather than attributing someone else's intentions or their. You know, it's more powerful to say I heard you say or I saw you do than to say, oh, what someone said was, or you know, what's all being talked about in the room is. So when we use language intentionally intentionally and this is a challenge when you're introverted because you don't want to own things, you don't want to hide, use words to hide behind, but when you're talking third person, passive, it just erodes trust. But when we speak from I, this is what I think, or I heard you say this, or I saw you do this, then we're describing, without fault or blame, information that people can evaluate. So that builds a lot more trust as well.

Speaker 2:

Sounds like what you're saying is a more data-driven approach, as in. These are the facts, this is what I heard, these are my observations, and it feels more neutral. I'm not saying, I'm not making up a story about you or what you did or what other people said and then contributing to the escalation of the drama Absolutely.

Speaker 3:

We have to work with. What's the evidence we're working with Now, we'll also have this irrational part of us going. I don't know why you did that the story will play out underneath but I think what you offer when you're managing yourself well in a conflict you say well, look, I heard you say that you know Charlie's always complaining about this particular issue. I wonder if other you can always bring the question back. I wonder what, charlie, how you see it, you can always. You can, from an introverted perspective, just guide the conversation back. It really depends on your purpose. So is your purpose. I think that's to just guide the conversation back. It really depends on your purpose. So is your purpose.

Speaker 3:

I think that's the challenge in listening. We need to listen with purpose, not just actively listen. But when I come to this meeting, where I know it's going to be difficult, what's my purpose here? Is my purpose to be the observer who can point out where we're getting stuck, when things you know know where are the points? I've sat now. I've watched that we escalate at this point, at this point. Oh, this person is really dogmatic. I've watched them. My purpose is to try and interrupt that a little bit. So that's why I think it's that observational skills and understanding clues is really, really important, because then we can make a decision about what we want to contribute to the conflict and not take everything on board or hide and feel like we have nothing to offer and then feel wounded about that which doesn't create strength.

Speaker 2:

Yes, so there's a whole spectrum of emotions and reactions that we can choose, and I think the important thing that you've just emphasized is to be very conscious of what the position is that we're adopting and what's the purpose of us speaking up in this conflict what are?

Speaker 2:

we hoping to achieve and, importantly, first calming, regulating ourselves, putting out that same kind of calm energy, ensuring the other person feels heard, feels validated, feels seen, being able to mirror back to them what you heard them say, keeping that language neutral, noticing the dynamics, noticing the drama, the conflict or drama that is playing out and what's happening with each person. And so I think that observational role is something introverts would do very well, as long as they can manage themselves enough to not feel overwhelmed and caught up in the anxiety of the situation themselves, but to be able to step back a little bit, create some space between them and what's going on, and then I think, in that position of strength, they will be able to articulate and contribute much more effectively.

Speaker 3:

And absolutely. And so I think you don't have to know what to do immediately. Most conflicts are repetitive and predictable. You know. We know when Joe's in the room or Joanne's in the room, that they are very opinionated and they will strive to dominate the conversation and the group will work like this. And I'm not going to. You know, there's no point in taking Joanne on head on. That's not what we're here to do. But I can be the person that simply asks what somebody else thinks or repeats back what joanne has said. So, joanne, from your point of view, you're saying all these things. Joanne will love that. She loves being listened to, right? I wonder what other people think.

Speaker 3:

So we can be very, very purposeful and influential in small ways and in ways that fit our personality. And also, then you know, everybody wants to grow. So conflict is a wonderful opportunity to learn more about yourself and more about other people. That's its purpose, and its purpose really is to. Unfortunately, it's not the most comfortable way to do it, but its purpose is to enrich us. Unfortunately, sometimes there's a bit of heartache involved and discomfort, and we want our lessons in life to be easy. You know, we'd like them to come in a wrapper and be like chocolate we just ate it. Oh, I know that. But, um, most of life's lessons are discomfort based. So, building your tolerance to discomfort, building that muscle where I can see I discomfort, I can stay calm, I can take time internally to process, that is absolutely important and I may be someone that tends to that with more depth than other people, some of the other people in the room. But having done that internal reflection, how can I give that back to the group, that internal reflection? How can I give that back to the group? How can I make my way really helpful for this group of people that maybe are caught up in the brusqueness and the noise? And so you know, when you're assertive, the statement's really simple. It's really saying look, I think this, I think our meetings are getting side-ralled by this particular issue that I've observed.

Speaker 3:

And then you describe the problem that I've observed happened in our last five meetings. When it's come to this point, but talking about the allocation of resources for XYZ, we've seemed to get stuck. And so there's five steps, I think, or I feel, describing something with I can see or I heard, or that data, evidence-based information, let's say. And then saying what's important to you. You know, what's really important to me is that perhaps we put that on hold for a while so we can talk about something that comes a little earlier that we've missed. I've watched us missing in our conversations about how we're going to build this project and I think it might help us.

Speaker 3:

And then you ask for what you want. I think it might help us if we focus there for a while and then you say and I appreciate that other people may see that differently, but there's five steps. I think I feel you know, because describing the problem, the observation or the gridlock, that two-thirds of the situation that's always going to be with us, this is what's important to me, to our project, this is what I would like and if I'm very firm, it's what I want, and so you can calibrate what you're asking for. And of course you know if you're more introverted when you say and I want people listen, it has impact. But you can say you know I would like or I think it would be good if we did X, Y, z, and then that last one I appreciate other people may see it differently it still gives you. You don't have to say it in that order, but if you have all those five points. When you're being assertive, you've sort of covered off a lot of information in a very simple framework.

Speaker 2:

So it might be.

Speaker 3:

I appreciate that Joanne has very strong views about, as she said in describing, the situation with the allocation of resources, and she's highlighted these points, but I think what's important is that we maybe get a range of opinions around the room, because I've noticed that this is where we get stuck and I think perhaps there's this early element when you think about you know, once you have that framework in mind, you can organise information very helpfully, very strongly.

Speaker 2:

That is a brilliant framework, elizabeth, and a perfect way to wrap up. So pay attention to Elizabeth's five-point framework the next time you find yourself caught in a conflict and maybe having to play mediator, because your introverted nature and your quiet strengths make you the perfect person to observe and to reflect back and help the group move forward in a way that is mutually respectful. So, elizabeth, thank you so much for coming on the Quiet Warrior podcast today.

Speaker 3:

What is the best way for people to connect with you. Well, my website is Elizabeth Williamson Solutions. It's a long, long typing journey, and so you can connect with me by that or LinkedIn, and I offer a complimentary 30-minute discovery call so that I can understand what people would like to work on and how I might best assist them and, you know, tailoring our approach, which might be coaching, conflict, coaching skills, and that can be really, really helpful. I have this problem I really want to be more skilful, or it might be you know a family dynamic where I really want to be more skillful, or it might be you know a family dynamic where I really want the family dynamic to change and I want to step out of being in this role in the family, or it just might be. I'm sick of the arguments of myself and I would like to change my thinking about this so I can be more effective. And you can book online via my website.

Speaker 2:

Fantastic. I can see how much value that would be for anybody, whether we're going through internal or external conflict. So if you've enjoyed this conversation and want more like this, make sure to leave a five-star rating and a review so that the Quiet Warrior podcast can reach more introverts around the world. See you on the next episode. I'm so grateful that you're here today.

Speaker 1:

If you found this content valuable, please share it on your social media channels and subscribe to the show on your favorite listening platform. Together, we can help more introverts thrive To receive more uplifting content like this. Connect with me on Instagram at.

Speaker 2:

Serena, Lo Quiet Warrior Coach.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for sharing your time and your energy with me. See you on the next episode.